Good Ol' Days

Once upon a time there were these two people shown below. They came together by means of similar interests and outlooks and life views. In that time when they first met, they would both have been complete and completely happy living as drifters of adventure in the wild. And so, that's what they did, well, at least on the weekends. Every weekend. It was so intriguing and engaging. That is the world where there got to know each other. That is the world where they grew close together. That is the world they would love and remember forever. Once upon a time there were these two people and four little boys (all of a sudden).

The nights we lay there as quiet and still as the desert night sky hoping Bryce would be zonked this time when he'd laid down he'd not pop up and jump over one of our heads again and poke the other in the eye with his little finger to see if our eyes were really closed. We just laid there pretending to be asleep so we wouldn't accidentally do anything interesting for him to want to see. (Which was incredibly cute by the way) How different that was from the good 'ol days when Cam and I couldn't stop talking, ever, I think. We've never really had kids sleeping between us, especially in a situation that was "ours" like camping. It was just me and Cam and whatever we wanted to do, wherever we wanted to go. On this trip all of a sudden it kind of hit me. (I guess it took 10 1/2 years to hit me) That the "just me and Cam" days are really gone. Definitely NOT in a bad way, but I really did and do like him.

This has always intrigued me: We get to choose our spouse, whom we will be married to and live with forever, which is great because we chose to. Typically when first married, you and he are both working and/or going to school, not able to spend all the time with each other as you'd hoped to or would like to, thinking some day you will be able to. You choose to do nice things for each other and take care of each other and be close to them all the time.

Then comes the baby in the baby carriage, who you don't remember choosing, yet you spend most to all of your time with. And you pretty much have to care for them and do nice things for them and hold them (by have to I mean you can't not because they are so fragile and you want to and they need you and they are your own little gaagaa googoos and they rely on you and have been entrusted to you and are so incredibly awesome, as apposed to your grown husband who can take care of himself by this time, even if you still want to, the baby really needs you, even if he is 9 years old).

My point is this: 10 1/2 years later I have 4 awesome boys that have such different and individual personalities and needs and wants. They are all their OWN little person. They came to earth with as much yearning for their free agency as I did or anyone did. I, being their mama, feel the bigger than life bond and love and responsibility for them that it is absolutely surreal. I don't think that ever goes away. I think sometimes it's hard for mom's to ever explain their feelings about their kids. The bond, the care, the significance, the concern, the attentiveness, the time, the love, the weight and importance that mom's have towards their kids is a hard thing to comprehend.

Then time seems to escape every grasp. I can remember several days of the past years feeling like I was being yanked through life behind a huge semi. It was fast and furious and felt a bit out of control at times. It was sure fun though. Now looking back at the short time that we had being just Cam and me, I realize how important that time was. It's easy to have these little people consume your life and your self. You have that bond almost automatic and forever with them, they are literally part of you. But that time when it was just me and Cam camping under the stars, talking about life and plans and anything else naive we wanted to talk about and believe, those were good times. Back then maybe I thought that's how it would always be. But I believe moments happen for a reason in steps and in seasons. As much as we think we want Summer to come and stay, Fall and Winter are on their way. In each season the anticipation of what it holds or what it will bring, always in motion, always with a purpose. The ebb and flow of life will always bring with it growth and something new and sometimes unexpected. Like I always say, don't expect much, and you won't be disappointed. Who would have guessed how life would go. I'm so thankful for it and all of it's surprises.

I feel humbly privileged to be entrusted with my little boys. I feel completely honored to be with Cam. And Cam and I will camp alone under the stars again someday, or at least be awake together at the same time for a few minutes and try to peek at least one of the stars together through Bryce's fingers over our eyes, even if it ends up not being the same star or even on the same day.